It's okay to not be okay.

Nightbreed1984

UK Reviewer
Premium Supporter
Mar 31, 2014
856
London, UK
Hi Ninja's

Been a while since I've been on the forums. For the past year I've been struggling mentally more so than I have in the past. No rhyme or reason, just the way it is. I find myself awake at 4:30am (UK time) and just wanted to reach out. Firstly I'm sorry for being so absent. When I enter a bad place it becomes all consuming. Covid hasn't helped and my personal job has had its rough moments too. I used to love reviewing for HDN and would love to do so again. I am trying to change my mindset for good and prevent any more relapses. Sorry if this is too open or personal, but I needed to share. If anyone is ever struggling mentally, then please message me and I will listen. I won't judge and I won't preach, I'll just lend an ear and we'll go from there.

Be well everyone, lots of love

Jonathan (Nightbreed1984)
 

Nightbreed1984

UK Reviewer
Premium Supporter
Mar 31, 2014
856
London, UK
Hey bud. Nice
To have you here again. Hope all gets better as you continue on your journey. Seems you are in the right direction
Thank you bud. I really appreciate it. I've missed you all on here, but only wanted to come back once I felt I was starting to get my head in order. I won't lie, it was tough at times and I felt like I may not be able to overcome my demons. But slowly I feel things are improving and I needed a solid community like the one here, to help me get back to normal. HDN is a family and I missed you all very much. :happy:
 
Thank you bud. I really appreciate it. I've missed you all on here, but only wanted to come back once I felt I was starting to get my head in order. I won't lie, it was tough at times and I felt like I may not be able to overcome my demons. But slowly I feel things are improving and I needed a solid community like the one here, to help me get back to normal. HDN is a family and I missed you all very much. :happy:
Yeah man, we all going though some **** ... if not now then before or later. My mom has stage 4 cancer, she will be gone before im ever 40 years old. So it seems. Likely very soon. Been hard to wrap my head around, got kids so its hard to tell them grandma is gone, at the same time, definitely losing my Mom a bit earlier then expected, but some people lose their mom in a sudden instance, a car crash etc. I've had a couple years to make peace, its never enough, but have to be thankful none the less. I'm rambling, but im a few beers into my feelings lol ... a few more and i wont be able to spell right lol. Its been a rough patch tho man, because there is no feeling like thinking the loved one is dying month in and month out ... pros and cons, the car crash is sudden, you miss time, you wish you had more, the stage 4 on the other hand is like torture for loved ones as they are constantly battling mentally what is "the end". It definitely really makes me think twice about what Tony Scott did ( top gun director, ridley scott brother ) I remember going to LA to go to E3 video game conference and when i arrived one of our co-owners at the time had talked about ****** traffic at the bridge home and being late for me ... turns out Tony Scott commited suicide jumping off because he didnt want to put his family through the time of stage 4 cancer. Interesting being where im at now ... having witnessed it all, having it have taken a toll on me even ... and then thinking ... what would I do , knowing what I know now ... my mother lacks faith, and thus its been very hard on me, my wife, my brother etc. I wonder now if i would lie to my kids for X amount of time ... or would i just disappear. ha. heck idk ... its all weird tho. Hopefully 10 years from now I can look back at this and know what I would do easily more maturely. *shrug*
 

Nightbreed1984

UK Reviewer
Premium Supporter
Mar 31, 2014
856
London, UK
Yeah man, we all going though some **** ... if not now then before or later. My mom has stage 4 cancer, she will be gone before im ever 40 years old. So it seems. Likely very soon. Been hard to wrap my head around, got kids so its hard to tell them grandma is gone, at the same time, definitely losing my Mom a bit earlier then expected, but some people lose their mom in a sudden instance, a car crash etc. I've had a couple years to make peace, its never enough, but have to be thankful none the less. I'm rambling, but im a few beers into my feelings lol ... a few more and i wont be able to spell right lol. Its been a rough patch tho man, because there is no feeling like thinking the loved one is dying month in and month out ... pros and cons, the car crash is sudden, you miss time, you wish you had more, the stage 4 on the other hand is like torture for loved ones as they are constantly battling mentally what is "the end". It definitely really makes me think twice about what Tony Scott did ( top gun director, ridley scott brother ) I remember going to LA to go to E3 video game conference and when i arrived one of our co-owners at the time had talked about ****** traffic at the bridge home and being late for me ... turns out Tony Scott commited suicide jumping off because he didnt want to put his family through the time of stage 4 cancer. Interesting being where im at now ... having witnessed it all, having it have taken a toll on me even ... and then thinking ... what would I do , knowing what I know now ... my mother lacks faith, and thus its been very hard on me, my wife, my brother etc. I wonder now if i would lie to my kids for X amount of time ... or would i just disappear. ha. heck idk ... its all weird tho. Hopefully 10 years from now I can look back at this and know what I would do easily more maturely. *shrug*

Oh dude I am so sorry to hear that. That's something I can't even begin to imagine. My mum is super special to me. She suffered horrendously at the hands of my biological father, but thankfully my step dad saved her. She had me when she was 18. I know how special mum's are, and it's heartbreaking to hear that your mum is ill. I'm praying she still has many more years with you and your loved ones. And don't worry about rambling...you can ramble as much as you want and I'll listen. I'm always here to listen. I may not always know the best thing to say, but I will always be sincere and honest. You're right in what you say, that you have time to make peace with it, rather than it be sudden. I can understand it's incredibly sad to see your mum ill, but I am certain she is also happy that you guys have time with each other to come to terms with the situation. I am so honoured that you would share something so personal dude, and would say that you can always share. If you ever want to talk just message me, email me personally or hit me up on Facebook. I am always here to listen. Thank you for reaching out and thank you for giving us this haven to talk about our hobbies, loves and passions.

Stay safe dude. Sending love to you and your family x